New Year’s resolutions, birthday candles, first-sighted stars of the night…I’ll never think about these things the same way again. For every birthday as far back as I can remember, I always made the same wish as I blew out my candles. And for every first star I spotted in the sky for the past 34 years, I asked for the same wish to be granted. It was a wish for myself. I didn’t really think about it as a selfish wish, I mean, it was just a wish…and when there are no limits, and you can wish for anything, your mind does tend to wander to your own needs. And it was only one wish, so that’s not so bad, right? I mean I wasn’t wishing for infinite wishes or anything, so it was ok to self indulge a little just for that one thing, wasn’t it? Well…I’m done with all that. My one-wish wish list has officially evicted its prolonged, rent-controlled tenant. It has overstayed its welcome, and there’s a new wish-kid in town.
I’m 44 years old, and suddenly it’s occurred to me that my 34 years of stubbornly wishing the same wish was…well…thoughtless. A few nights ago, as I was taking my beloved, magical and majestic doggie for an evening walk, I looked up to find that familiar siren of desires – my first star of the night. “Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight.” You know the one. And whether I was acting sincerely or habitually, I began to go for “the usual” when my tongue felt tied and my lips locked up (as I always physically mouthed my wishes so that I knew I did it right). While I still yearned for this eternal wish, I didn’t feel like wishing for it that night. (Has your mind ever wandered in the middle of a wish as if almost to suggest that what you were doing was somehow wrong or trite)? I had other things on my mind – thought invaders – more important things – things that needed my heartfelt wish far more than I did. And just like that, my mouth, lips and tongue “wishing trinity” took on different shapes and created different sounds as they strayed from their involuntary wish-making comfort zone… “I wish for a world free of cruelty.”
Ah…that felt much better than the same dumb, vein, now admittedly selfish yearning that has haunted me for my entire existence. What could I have possibly been thinking all this time? What egotistical, lobotomizing demon has had my poor vulnerable brain in its evil clutches this entire time? This new wish – while not new in desire, but new to my first night-star’s ears – is a wish worth requesting on every wish-granting occasion forever! I feel reborn and now look back on my pitiful wish-making past life with disgust and disdain. I’m embarrassed and saddened by my complete lack of altruism. Dumb wish. UGH!
This wish list is clean. No more self-serving wishes. Whatever I don’t have, I can do without. Whatever I lack, I can make due. But cruelty…this is something I could never wrap my head around. I just don’t comprehend it. I mean, I understand being a little mean – when we’re in a bad mood or frustrated or unhappy or even depressed, we can redirect with a little entertaining unkindness. But cruelty is an entirely different thing, and other than live a life as cruelty-free as possible, supporting kind causes and encouraging others to do the same, all we can do, really, is to wish (or pray) for it – whatever fits, whatever feels right.
So bring on the wish-making occasions. Birthday candles, first night stars, fallen eyelashes, dandelions – all of it – I’m armed and ready. My mind is finally clear and free of brainwashing diabolical devils…and just in time for the New Year.
Forever Autumn 