Women in Life Transitions Equine Therapy, Session 5: Permission and The Final Curtain

Beautiful Ophelia and me.

The final session, I have to admit, was bittersweet. For weeks, I’ve been bonding with these amazing women and a glorious horse, and I didn’t really feel like not doing that anymore. But the final curtain was falling; however not before going out with one last beautiful bang.

This final lesson was a culmination of all that we have experienced throughout the course. Juliana had us set up another obstacle course, but this time, it unveiled a slightly different story.

What did we hope to achieve? What have we learned? What surprises popped up along the way?

Peace/Happiness: when first entering this emotional arena, I was burdened with sadness – worried that I was unable to ever achieve happiness again after my two trying years of misfortune. Upon reflection, this concern seems almost comical, as within moments of our first session, I could barely contain my zeal. And now, post-class, I have the most wonderful memories of true peace and happiness to reflect on. I have several “happy places” to escape to as I often do – most significantly, walking with Ophelia as she playfully poked and teased me, as friends do. We had formed a true friendship based on trust, and I can’t think of anything more blissful.

Patience: never my strong point, I hoped to achieve an inner calm that would help me feel less frustrated in certain situations and less eager in others. To my delight and surprise, I learned this humbling lesson on Day 1. I was so enthusiastic and filled with nervous energy, but Ophelia taught me to simmer down and move slowly with purpose. She wanted me to be mindful of my energy and of my actions and how they affect others. She taught me to be present in the moment as she must be as an animal of prey. And she reminded me that quality relationships – even interspecies ones – take trust and time.

Confidence: After two rough years, my self confidence was at an all-time low. I was hoping to rediscover the confidence in myself I once had. This epiphany happened for me on sessions two-five. I never felt more confident as I seamlessly weaved through challenging obstacle courses time and time again with my valiant confidant, Ophelia by my side. I proudly led, and she happily followed. After I learned patience, we bonded quickly, and I felt proud to have earned such an honor. Her friendship and respect meant more to me than anything. It came with ease – and in a world where everything feels so stressful and challenging, it was refreshing to have something feel so seamless. Ophelia saw in me from the beginning what tough times had buried. She knew I could do it and awakened my confidence out of its two-year slumber.

Three days later at work, and still high from my bonding time with Ophelia, I submitted some unusual copy. I knew it wasn’t what they wanted but was determined to try something new. I understood that the chances of getting this copy approved was bleak, as they are not fans of straying from the norm. And to my honest surprise, it went right though, and the new direction was commended. I have Ophelia to thank for that. ❤

Connection:
More than anything, I wanted to learn and love and connect with the horses. I wanted to learn and grow from and with them. I wanted to get lost in the peaceful bliss that comes with their majestic presence. But connection didn’t come instantaneously – as much as I wanted it to. It took patience, confidence and trust to connect with Ophelia. She is a very smart girl.

Satisfaction:
Worried that I suffered from chronic dissatisfaction, I needed to know if feeling content was even possible. And while I felt content the moment I stepped foot into the stable, I wasn’t truly aware of it until our 4th session where we led Ophelia through an obstacle course of our own demons.. This proved particularly challenging for me, as I was so happy and delighted to be by Ophelia’s side, that I couldn’t concentrate on anything other than feeling wonderful. And then it hit me – I’m content. I’m satisfied. I’m at peace. I’m confident. I’m…happy. Man, there is nothing that horse can’t do.

On our last day, we explored all of these feelings – my “infinite cycle of demons,” the beginning, the journey and the end destination, which turned out to be only the beginning of a new and improved voyage. I have named my demons, faced them, and while I know they won’t magically disappear, I am now better equipped to deal with them – whether it’s to live in harmony or to eventually evict them out of my head. Juliana taught me that I need to give myself permission to feel what I feel without judgment. It’s ok to feel sad or dissatisfied – even if someone outside is looking or judging. Permission. I never thought of it that way

As a final farewell, Ophelia took us for a few laps – mounted. And though I had been horseback riding before, it had never been with an equestrian friend, which seemed to make all the difference. Beneath me, I could feel her powerful muscles propelling her body. I watched as her mane swayed, her ears twitched and her head rhythmically moved in time with her stride. I held my legs tight to her body, and my body seemed to automatically move with her. We were in tuned, once again. I secretly desired to be running in nature with her. I felt giddy and dreamed of a partnership that knew no limits – running, jumping, free and fearless. And while this mounted stance felt incredible, I also longed to be down on the ground beside her where I could see her face and touch the softest part of her muzzle. Another happy place.

But alas, it was the end of our time together…and as Shakespeare once wrote, “parting is such sweet sorrow.”

I am so indebted to Shelley, Ana, Juliana and Ophelia for all that they have given me. Not only is my confidence renewed, but I now have an arsenal of valuable tools and beautiful memories to fuel my days going forward. These profound sessions touched my mind and my soul in a way that I never could have imagined. And I am eternally grateful to the entire team for this powerful experience – but most of all to the noble Ophelia – whose humbling majesty will forever live in my grateful heart.

Women in Life Transitions Equine Therapy, Session 4: Approach

Session 4 was somewhat of an extension of session three, but this time, instead of just identifying our demons, we were to face them head-on and even think about how to approach them differently. Armed with lettered cones, a wooden speed bump and a glorious intuitive horse, we were to build and tackle our own obstacle course. This involved envisioning the shape and pattern of the course, identifying each obstacle and deciding how we wanted to approach them, which proved to be extremely interesting and unique.

I chose to set my cones in a circle with the wooden plank in the middle. I have been burdened with these issues for what seems like forever, and it’s at a point where they just seem part of me. There is no beginning and no end – it just is. So I decided to take on this circular symbol of eternal obstacles. I was able to identify four obstacle-demons before setting out with Ophelia to approach each one. Body image, negativity, envy and dissatisfaction came immediately to mind. Funny – all issues of confidence, yet confidence never seemed to get its own cone. I felt a strange pressure when identifying my burdens, which I found odd because these are things I think about freely every day. I’m no stranger to self-examination, and I like to dive deep and address every issue over and over again. Perhaps this is why I chose to weave in and out of the cones instead of going around them, taking on each one as I traveled my spherical path.

“Are you ready, Ophelia? Please help me. Let’s go.” Like two soldiers heading to battle, Ophelia and I were a team. I could feel our camaraderie. We were in this together, and I felt so lucky and comforted to have her by my side as I enthusiastically marched toward the very things that brought me so much pain and grief. As we weaved through my demons, I whispered to her, “Thank you for helping me. You’re so beautiful, and I’m so grateful for our friendship. You’re so lovely.”

While I led sweet Ophelia through my valley of emotional barriers, something magical and unexpected happened. I was overflowing with happiness and satisfaction. I could barely concentrate at all on the issues that made up our path. I was feeling so incredibly content to just be in this wonderful moment of togetherness, just Ophelia and I. It seemed to go by so quickly – too quickly. I wanted to keep moving, to keep walking, and I wanted this rare phenomenon called contentedness to last.

Returning to home base, (accompanied by my traditional celebratory “great job” kisses on Ophelia’s cheek), the ladies and I discussed my obstacles and the course I mapped out for them. I confided in them the confession of my trying childhood – being relentlessly bullied and ridiculed for my weight and how it has led me to have severe body dysmorphia my entire life. I also conveyed my chronic dissatisfaction. I don’t like always feeling dissatisfied – it seems rude and unappreciative. I even named my affliction – Chronic Dissatisfaction Syndrome (CDS). I diagnosed myself as one who suffers from it. But Ophelia has proved me wrong, as I’ve never felt so happy and content as I had that very moment …and all the other magical moments in nature with my beloved creatures. Satisfaction does exist, and I CAN feel it. I wanted to try this circular journey again. I asked the ladies and Ophelia if we could go for another round.

This time I tried to focus more on my emotional burdens and less on my exhilarated current state of happiness – but to no avail. Ophelia made me too happy to conjure sadness or evoke stress of any kind, and I whispered to her, “is it ok if I think about this later and just enjoyed being here with you right now?” Again, we weaved seamlessly through the cones, and I talked to her the entire time. I felt her listening to me, and she playfully nudged me here and there, which I loved. Returning to home base came way too quickly. Juliana asked how this round went, and I had to confess – I just enjoyed myself and couldn’t really focus on my obstacles. She thought that was just fine – in fact, it was great. A new approach and a new awareness was born. Sarah’s turn.

When the session was over, (and after we gave Ophelia some well-earned carrot treats), we went back to the office and discussed the exercise. We elaborated on our choice of obstacles and our courses – why we chose the pattern we had, what each cone represented and what thoughts came up as we traveled. We went around the table each sharing personal feelings and individual conflicts. We learned that as different as we are people, our struggles are still very similar. It’s the human condition, and we are, after all, only human.

It is very comforting to be with this group of wonderful women who are open and honest and free of judgment (of course, Ophelia included). Each of us has something to teach and each has something to learn.

Women in Life Transitions Equine Therapy, Session 3: Growth

Session three started on a 90 degree day. Shelley and Ana built an obstacle course consisting of several lettered cones and a wooden speed bump. Our exercise for the day was to lead Ophelia – weaving through the cones, over the log, back through the second set of cones and returning to home base. After brief instruction and a visual example, the games began.

Sarah was first to go. You could see the concentration and also the concern on her face. Sarah confided that she gets distracted worrying about all the possible problems and scenarios that could arise: The horse can get spooked, it can step on her foot, she could get kicked, etc. She also told us in session that while she loves animals, she has often gotten hurt in their presence. It got me thinking…sometimes, it’s hard to tell which came first – the incident or the fear. Do we create self-fulfilling prophecies for ourselves through worry? Clearly showing progress from prior sessions, Sarah was ready to exit the pen and turn over the reins.

My turn. I had to admit that I felt a bit nervous while I was watching Sarah lead Ophelia. I tried to examine and diagnosis the reason for this feeling, and I thought maybe I was having some sort of performance anxiety – pressure put on myself to do well at this exercise. But no one here was judging me, so why feel pressure? Was I worried about my performance in a scholarly way – or as Ana later questioned, was I more concerned that a less than perfect performance would indicate an unreciprocated love from Ophelia? Good question – and she may be onto something there. For weeks now, I’ve been troubled by the possibility of the horses not accepting me and loving me, as I love them. I have been thinking of Ophelia all week and even wondered if she thought of me at all. Am I insecure? Clearly, I desperately want to make a difference here… and now that I think of it – this is something I think about often – making a difference – doing something meaningful with my life, with work…missing working in animal welfare…is this all intertwined?

Ophelia and I stood at home base looking onto the course. “Wanna go for a walk? Let’s go!” Ophelia and I headed out and wove through every single cone with ease. Over the hurdle, around again, back through the cones – and we celebrated at home base as I jumped up and down repeating, “good girl!, good girl!” I took her head into my hands and planted a big kiss on her left cheek, and she seemed to like it, as she didn’t pull away at all! I do believe a bond is growing between us. Could I be so lucky? Shelley, Ana and Juliana were so happy for me – and could see that I was thrilled to have connected so seamlessly with Ophelia. I asked if we could do it again, and they were more than happy to oblige – and to my delight –so was Ophelia! I felt confident and accomplished and wanted to seal the deal with another lap. “Wanna go again?” I cooed. “Let’s go!” And off we went for round 2 with as much ease as round one, but this time, Ophelia was nudging me a little very gently. The girls laughed and Shelley yelled, “She’s playing with you!” I felt so happy. Ophelia was teasing me as one friend does another, and I laughed ever so happily as we walked together. It was happening, and there was no doubt in my mind – we were becoming more than just “doctor” and “patient”– we were becoming friends. My dream was coming true. Our relationship was growing, my confidence was flourishing, and I couldn’t feel more exhilarated or proud.

After we returned to home base the second time, Ana suggested that Ophelia and I walk to the far corner for a private moment, and to “talk.” I brought her to the gate and looked out into the stables. I felt so lucky for this moment. Ophelia nibbled some well-deserved grass, and I confided in her that her friendship meant the world to me. I told her that it was an honor to walk with her and to be in her presence, and that I would miss her when the group came to a close. I confided that I would never forget her, and that I was so grateful for her insight and kindness. I thanked her for showing me affection today, because it made me so happy, and then I told her that she did a great job, and it was time to go get some rest now. And while she may not have understood my words, I truly believe that she felt what was in my heart.

Then, Ana had another idea. Sarah and I walked Ophelia “home,” which was her stable. As we quickly found out, this was a completely different experience. Ophelia was ready to call it a day, as was apparent in her swift pace. She knew what she wanted and was going for it. It was very different than exercises in the pen. This was open – no enclosure and no leisurely pace. Ophelia was leading us now, that was clear… and I was more than happy to follow her home.

After class, we went back to the stable and discussed how we felt about what transpired out in the pen. I conveyed my elation and also confided that I am often met with sadness after returning home from therapy. It’s hard to explain, and I’m not exactly sure why, but after feeling so incredibly high during class, there is almost an inability to sustain that emotional altitude. I start to think about going back to my hum-drum job on Monday, and how I long to be back saving creatures and doing meaningful work. That happy feeling can feel a little addicting – almost as addicting as the sadness I’ve come to expect when gazing at something so beautifully moving. I start to focus on the absence of what brought me so much joy, and then the obstacles that block attaining it start rolling in: I would love to volunteer, but have so little free time, I have a dog at home to love and cherish in my spare time, I can’t afford to do the things I love, etc. But as Juliana instructed, I did my affirmations on my drive home. “I will not feel sad, I will not feel sad.” And as it turns out, I didn’t feel sad later in the day as I had earlier anticipated. I did however cry at the loveliness when I reminisced on my bonding experience with Ophelia. And like clockwork, a familiar duality of sadness and joy took over – as it has for so long. Something to work on.

Women in Life Transitions Equine Therapy, Session 2: Obstacles

My sister once told me that I let hurdles get in my way, and I shouldn’t let them stop me from doing what I love. She was right. Instead of seeing these obstacles as challenges to conquer, I’ve always allowed them to discourage me and even break my spirit, which is strange because I am and have always been a strong person. But the screams from those cunning hurdles can be deafening, and convincingly poison our perception.

Session 2 was about obstacles and trying to see them in a different light in an effort to eventually overcome them. While I believe I have several consistently nagging obstacles, I chose to focus on “envy” for this exercise. I suffer from chronic envy, constantly comparing myself to those who have more or who do not share my particular struggles. I often feel like I don’t have control of my life, and that others who don’t have my best interests at heart play a more pivotal role in my destiny than they should. That’s not to say that I’m not grateful for what I have – I am. I consider myself fortunate in many ways – but sometimes, seeing things from a place of strength and positivity can be quite challenging – especially when your deceptive emotions tell you otherwise.

“Horses are prey animals,” Shelly mentioned. “See how their eyes are on the sides of their head to watch for predators? They are always on guard.” Well, I sometimes feel like certain humans, including myself, should have our eyes repositioned. Aren’t we prey to other humans? Driving to work today, I saw a man walking on the side of the road. He had on a bright yellow windbreaker and appeared to be mumbling to himself nervously. To me it seemed that he had a mental disability, and my eyes instantly teared, as I always feel very sad for those I deem less fortunate. I started worrying for him: Why is he all alone? He’s going to get hurt. Someone is going to take advantage of him. Is he safe? After I blotted my eyes and quickly attempted to keep my mascara from staining my cheeks, I began to see it from another point of view: Wow, look at him out there on his own. Maybe he’s walking to work. He’s capable.

Obstacles.

Walking to the stalls, my eyes fell on lovely Ophelia. Shelley affectionately spoke a term of endearment in French under her breath, and it reminded me of how I can’t help but to express my love and adoration for my Autumn. It doesn’t matter who’s watching – who hears – love knows no coyness nor shame. Today’s exercise will be leading Ophelia around the pen and walking her over the “obstacle” that we will envision as our personal hurdle de jour. Walking a horse – doesn’t sound too difficult, but as we learned, you can’t always necessarily lead a horse – to water or even around a pen – if she doesn’t sense your leadership. Horses, like dogs, are pack animals and look toward a leader to make them feel safe. If they don’t deem you worth leading, they won’t follow. My deteriorating confidence over the past several years left me to wonder if she would follow, and even more dauntingly, if I could lead.

Our first round went smoothly. My face to her shoulder, her head high, we walked together. Once around the pen, with the occasional waver that automatically ignited my uncertainty… what was Ophelia thinking? Was she unsure of my leadership? Was she distracted by the sprouts of yummy grass that she kept hungrily eye-balling? By choosing to stop, was she leading me? Shelley and Julianna diligently observed as we made our laps. And then, from the second lap to the last, Ophelia lowered her valiant head in line with my hips, and we made our way – around the pen, over the envy stick, and beyond (with one or two grass-snack pit stops). In fact, during one imposed pause attempt, I whispered to Ophelia, “Listen…if you walk with me over that hurdle, you can eat the grass on the other side, deal? Let’s go.” I lead, she followed – over the wooden target and to a tiny sprout of grass on the other side, where she lowered her head for a nibble. I couldn’t believe it! I was so happy that I jumped up and down and gave her a big hug. She turned her head to mine, looked right at me, and I kissed her enormous cheek. We were in tuned, and I couldn’t be happier. Even with noisy motorcycles whizzing by and people crassly yelling from convertibles, we stayed on course undistracted. None of that mattered. We were in a moment – focused on each other and our connection.

It was at that moment that I realized the true obstacle that seemed to rise from the depths to the surface. It was insecurity, and envy was its toxic companion. So there Ophelia and I stood – both seeking confidence and security – and both overcoming our hurdles. I felt exhilarated to have her faith and trust, and she felt secure that there were no predators for her to fear here. She sensed the confidence I doubted in myself, and she herself felt assured that I would keep her safe from harm. And for the first time in a long time, I felt like I was the one to be envied. Look at how organically I’m bonding and building a trusting relationship with this animal that by nature is apprehensive and guarded.

Both Shelley and Julianna were so excited for me. They watched it all play out and didn’t miss a trick. They expressed that my body language was confident and strong. They could tell from Ophelia’s posture that she was relaxed and following me of her own volition. They also reassured me that taking control and leading a 2,000 pound animal around was not to be taken lightly – an achievement to be proud of. It made me wonder…if I could take control of a mighty beast, then perhaps I could take control of my life…or at least my emotions.

I feel so thankful to Ophelia. I feared my confidence was gone forever, but she showed me that it had actually been there the entire time – it was just hidden behind obstacles.

The language of nature is awesome and magical. It is a truly an awe-inspiring experience to learn how far we can go if we can overcome obstacles and to discover how much we can hear….if only we take a moment to listen.

Women in Life Transitions Equine Therapy, Session 1: Meeting the Team

Therapy Horse, Ophelia

What a wonderful day one. Going in, I was filled with anticipation and excitement. I couldn’t wait to get started, but admittedly, I was a little nervous – in that good way – like butterflies.

Before we met the horses, Shelley’s team, Sarah and I spoke a little about expectations and hopes. I confided that my recent state in life has left me feeling a bit stagnant and unfulfilled, and I longed for an emotional and spiritual outlet. I felt that because of my extreme love of animals and my interest in psychology, this therapy horse program had my name written all over it. I really wanted a place to be able to feel what I feel, hear what others are feeling, cry, hug a horse and not be judged for sometimes feeling a little dissatisfied or sad. I strongly believe that it’s only when I’m emerged in nature and “creatures” as I call them, that I can find and feel true peace. So naturally bonding with horses combined with objective, emotional exploration sounded perfect.

When asked if I had any concerns before starting, I gave a raw and honest answer – that I would be just devastated if the horses didn’t like me…because I was so desperately eager to connect with them. I wanted them to be able to instantly detect my sincerity and pureness of soul – to be acknowledged and recognized – validated. I wanted the horses to love me as much as I loved them and to feel safe and secure in my presence. I wanted them to see me as a good human – someone they could trust – so much so that as Ophelia later taught me, I may have been a little overenthusiastic and a bit over-stimulated.

I learned an obvious lesson: Developing a trusting relationship with a horse is much like building one with a human. You have to decide a mutually comfortable pace and leave all expectations at the door – this way you can have a truly organic and sincere experience. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and love doesn’t happen at first sight – no matter what the fairy tales say. True love, real love, love beyond infatuation takes time to develop and grow, and I eagerly but patiently await for this to happen. I want more than just to admire these majestic creatures – I want to learn about them, learn from them and learn about myself in the process.

While gentle Ophelia expertly taught me that patience and calm is key to serene bonding, Beijo showed me something else. Now, it’s probably important to note that by the time I got to Beijo, I’d already been calmed and settled by Ophelia’s powerful presence and skilled guidance. She did the grunge work and graciously allowed me to get out my initial overzealous excitement on her. So when I finally approached Beijo, I was more at ease. But there is still no fooling these perceptive masters. Feisty Beijo sensed my emotional submission and decided to push me around a little – testing, as it’s called. He could probably see me coming a mile away, and he was right. I would most likely do anything he wanted, as I felt completely mesmerized by his persuasive charms and noble valor.

My Beloved Autumn

So he tested me with a little naughty nibbling on my hand. Ana instructed me to correct his testing behavior, and I tried – meekly at first, but I got better – as I truly desired to speak his language so that we could understand each other. But I have to admit, even with my beloved dog, Autumn, I have no qualms letting them run the show – not because I’m submissive by nature – I’m not – but I guess that’s what I do when I’m completely and utterly enamored. Pleasantly paralyzed, if you will. “T’was beauty killed the beast,” after all; and it wouldn’t be the first time I’d been beguiled.

An interesting difference to note between Ophelia and Beijo, though completely speculation on my part: I felt like with Ophelia, it was more about what she could do for me. And with Beijo, it was more about what I could do for him. Is this just the natural difference between males and females? Or perhaps one step further with female to female relationships and female to male relationships? I’m not entirely sure, but one thing is certain. Either of them could’ve stomped me into the ground without barely breaking a sweat, but both chose not to, and for that, I’m humbled. Both Ophelia and Beijo, as different as they are, were kind, gracious creatures that with such dignified tolerance, allowed me – a stranger – to get close to them. They stood patiently and allowed me to touch their faces and bodies and to press my body onto theirs, which resulted in the most soul-satisfying horse-hug. How could I not feel completely humbled by their sincerity and honesty?

Both of these magnificent animals knew I wasn’t afraid. And both horses didn’t melt into my adoring caresses as I had hoped. We didn’t intuitively and automatically fall into each others’ loving gazes, but alas, relationships command effort and time. And while I found it a challenge to contain my zeal, I wanted to be as respectful to the horses and to the process as possible. I respect them, and I respect the process. I’m open and ready for our future encounters. And more than just enjoy them, I strive to learn and grow from them. What a wonderful day one.

The Wish List

New Year’s resolutions, birthday candles, first-sighted stars of the night…I’ll never think about these things the same way again. For every birthday as far back as I can remember, I always made the same wish as I blew out my candles. And for every first star I spotted in the sky for the past 34 years, I asked for the same wish to be granted. It was a wish for myself. I didn’t really think about it as a selfish wish, I mean, it was just a wish…and when there are no limits, and you can wish for anything, your mind does tend to wander to your own needs. And it was only one wish, so that’s not so bad, right? I mean I wasn’t wishing for infinite wishes or anything, so it was ok to self indulge a little just for that one thing, wasn’t it? Well…I’m done with all that. My one-wish wish list has officially evicted its prolonged, rent-controlled tenant. It has overstayed its welcome, and there’s a new wish-kid in town.

 I’m 44 years old, and suddenly it’s occurred to me that my 34 years of stubbornly wishing the same wish was…well…thoughtless. A few nights ago, as I was taking my beloved, magical and majestic doggie for an evening walk, I looked up to find that familiar siren of desires – my first star of the night. “Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight.” You know the one. And whether I was acting sincerely or habitually, I began to go for “the usual” when my tongue felt tied and my lips locked up (as I always physically mouthed my wishes so that I knew I did it right). While I still yearned for this eternal wish, I didn’t feel like wishing for it that night. (Has your mind ever wandered in the middle of a wish as if almost to suggest that what you were doing was somehow wrong or trite)?  I had other things on my mind – thought invaders – more important things – things that needed my heartfelt wish far more than I did. And just like that, my mouth, lips and tongue “wishing trinity” took on different shapes and created different sounds as they strayed from their involuntary wish-making comfort zone… “I wish for a world free of cruelty.”

Ah…that felt much better than the same dumb, vein, now admittedly selfish yearning that has haunted me for my entire existence. What could I have possibly been thinking all this time? What egotistical, lobotomizing demon has had my poor vulnerable brain in its evil clutches this entire time? This new wish – while not new in desire, but new to my first night-star’s ears – is a wish worth requesting on every wish-granting occasion forever! I feel reborn and now look back on my pitiful wish-making past life with disgust and disdain. I’m embarrassed and saddened by my  complete lack of altruism. Dumb wish. UGH!

This wish list is clean. No more self-serving wishes. Whatever I don’t have, I can do without. Whatever I lack, I can make due. But cruelty…this is something I could never wrap my head around. I just don’t comprehend it. I mean, I understand being a little mean – when we’re in a bad mood or frustrated or unhappy or even depressed, we can redirect with a little entertaining unkindness. But cruelty is an entirely different thing, and other than live a life as cruelty-free as possible, supporting kind causes and encouraging others to do the same, all we can do, really, is to wish (or pray) for it – whatever fits, whatever feels right.

So bring on the wish-making occasions. Birthday candles, first night stars, fallen eyelashes, dandelions – all of it – I’m armed and ready. My mind is finally clear and free of brainwashing diabolical devils…and just in time for the New Year.

I Fall For Autumn

Autumn is such a beautiful time of year. The crisp temperatures, kaleidoscopic landscapes and warm flavors are incredibly inviting and a comforting reminder that beauty can reward change.  Well, it’s my favorite, too; but I may be a little jaded, as it is also the namesake of my baby and best friend in the world.

Autumn in the leaves

Autumn (the dog, not the season)  has a great appreciation for the simpler things in life, which for her include: a delicious treat, long destination-less walks and the not-so-secret pleasures of chomping on a stick. She can engage in this addictive and therapeutic activity for hours.

Autumn loves finding sticks in the yard.

I must confess that I find gazing at Autumn in the Autumn leaves endlessly entertaining. The seasonal symbolism never gets old for me. I adore how she sits in the fallen foliage, regal and somewhat camouflaged as though each leaf is somehow part of her.

Autumn nestled in the leaves.

There is no denying that Autumn in the fall is a majestic mosaic, and her beauty surpasses the seasons. And everyday, in every way, it is plain to see why I fall for Autumn.

Forever Autumn

In 2007, as the writer for an animal welfare organization, I was looking for a pet family whose story would resonate with donors. When I wandered into the nursery department in search of my literary star, I never suspected that I would find the future center of my universe.

Four fuzzy jewels squeaked and squealed and competed for my attention.

And while I could barely contain my own cries of pure puppy zeal, I found myself looking past the tiny creatures toward a glorious golden vision of beauty. I named her Autumn; for her gorgeous coat, which had been tainted by life’s tribulations, resembled the splendor of Fall.

Her babes tried to steal the spotlight, but their mother’s eyes, which told a story of fear and hope, touched my soul, and I knew I couldn’t stop myself from loving her.

I knew my heart would beat forever Autumn.