Session three started on a 90 degree day. Shelley and Ana built an obstacle course consisting of several lettered cones and a wooden speed bump. Our exercise for the day was to lead Ophelia – weaving through the cones, over the log, back through the second set of cones and returning to home base. After brief instruction and a visual example, the games began.
Sarah was first to go. You could see the concentration and also the concern on her face. Sarah confided that she gets distracted worrying about all the possible problems and scenarios that could arise: The horse can get spooked, it can step on her foot, she could get kicked, etc. She also told us in session that while she loves animals, she has often gotten hurt in their presence. It got me thinking…sometimes, it’s hard to tell which came first – the incident or the fear. Do we create self-fulfilling prophecies for ourselves through worry? Clearly showing progress from prior sessions, Sarah was ready to exit the pen and turn over the reins.
My turn. I had to admit that I felt a bit nervous while I was watching Sarah lead Ophelia. I tried to examine and diagnosis the reason for this feeling, and I thought maybe I was having some sort of performance anxiety – pressure put on myself to do well at this exercise. But no one here was judging me, so why feel pressure? Was I worried about my performance in a scholarly way – or as Ana later questioned, was I more concerned that a less than perfect performance would indicate an unreciprocated love from Ophelia? Good question – and she may be onto something there. For weeks now, I’ve been troubled by the possibility of the horses not accepting me and loving me, as I love them. I have been thinking of Ophelia all week and even wondered if she thought of me at all. Am I insecure? Clearly, I desperately want to make a difference here… and now that I think of it – this is something I think about often – making a difference – doing something meaningful with my life, with work…missing working in animal welfare…is this all intertwined?
Ophelia and I stood at home base looking onto the course. “Wanna go for a walk? Let’s go!” Ophelia and I headed out and wove through every single cone with ease. Over the hurdle, around again, back through the cones – and we celebrated at home base as I jumped up and down repeating, “good girl!, good girl!” I took her head into my hands and planted a big kiss on her left cheek, and she seemed to like it, as she didn’t pull away at all! I do believe a bond is growing between us. Could I be so lucky? Shelley, Ana and Juliana were so happy for me – and could see that I was thrilled to have connected so seamlessly with Ophelia. I asked if we could do it again, and they were more than happy to oblige – and to my delight –so was Ophelia! I felt confident and accomplished and wanted to seal the deal with another lap. “Wanna go again?” I cooed. “Let’s go!” And off we went for round 2 with as much ease as round one, but this time, Ophelia was nudging me a little very gently. The girls laughed and Shelley yelled, “She’s playing with you!” I felt so happy. Ophelia was teasing me as one friend does another, and I laughed ever so happily as we walked together. It was happening, and there was no doubt in my mind – we were becoming more than just “doctor” and “patient”– we were becoming friends. My dream was coming true. Our relationship was growing, my confidence was flourishing, and I couldn’t feel more exhilarated or proud.
After we returned to home base the second time, Ana suggested that Ophelia and I walk to the far corner for a private moment, and to “talk.” I brought her to the gate and looked out into the stables. I felt so lucky for this moment. Ophelia nibbled some well-deserved grass, and I confided in her that her friendship meant the world to me. I told her that it was an honor to walk with her and to be in her presence, and that I would miss her when the group came to a close. I confided that I would never forget her, and that I was so grateful for her insight and kindness. I thanked her for showing me affection today, because it made me so happy, and then I told her that she did a great job, and it was time to go get some rest now. And while she may not have understood my words, I truly believe that she felt what was in my heart.
Then, Ana had another idea. Sarah and I walked Ophelia “home,” which was her stable. As we quickly found out, this was a completely different experience. Ophelia was ready to call it a day, as was apparent in her swift pace. She knew what she wanted and was going for it. It was very different than exercises in the pen. This was open – no enclosure and no leisurely pace. Ophelia was leading us now, that was clear… and I was more than happy to follow her home.
After class, we went back to the stable and discussed how we felt about what transpired out in the pen. I conveyed my elation and also confided that I am often met with sadness after returning home from therapy. It’s hard to explain, and I’m not exactly sure why, but after feeling so incredibly high during class, there is almost an inability to sustain that emotional altitude. I start to think about going back to my hum-drum job on Monday, and how I long to be back saving creatures and doing meaningful work. That happy feeling can feel a little addicting – almost as addicting as the sadness I’ve come to expect when gazing at something so beautifully moving. I start to focus on the absence of what brought me so much joy, and then the obstacles that block attaining it start rolling in: I would love to volunteer, but have so little free time, I have a dog at home to love and cherish in my spare time, I can’t afford to do the things I love, etc. But as Juliana instructed, I did my affirmations on my drive home. “I will not feel sad, I will not feel sad.” And as it turns out, I didn’t feel sad later in the day as I had earlier anticipated. I did however cry at the loveliness when I reminisced on my bonding experience with Ophelia. And like clockwork, a familiar duality of sadness and joy took over – as it has for so long. Something to work on.
Forever Autumn 