My sister once told me that I let hurdles get in my way, and I shouldn’t let them stop me from doing what I love. She was right. Instead of seeing these obstacles as challenges to conquer, I’ve always allowed them to discourage me and even break my spirit, which is strange because I am and have always been a strong person. But the screams from those cunning hurdles can be deafening, and convincingly poison our perception.
Session 2 was about obstacles and trying to see them in a different light in an effort to eventually overcome them. While I believe I have several consistently nagging obstacles, I chose to focus on “envy” for this exercise. I suffer from chronic envy, constantly comparing myself to those who have more or who do not share my particular struggles. I often feel like I don’t have control of my life, and that others who don’t have my best interests at heart play a more pivotal role in my destiny than they should. That’s not to say that I’m not grateful for what I have – I am. I consider myself fortunate in many ways – but sometimes, seeing things from a place of strength and positivity can be quite challenging – especially when your deceptive emotions tell you otherwise.
“Horses are prey animals,” Shelly mentioned. “See how their eyes are on the sides of their head to watch for predators? They are always on guard.” Well, I sometimes feel like certain humans, including myself, should have our eyes repositioned. Aren’t we prey to other humans? Driving to work today, I saw a man walking on the side of the road. He had on a bright yellow windbreaker and appeared to be mumbling to himself nervously. To me it seemed that he had a mental disability, and my eyes instantly teared, as I always feel very sad for those I deem less fortunate. I started worrying for him: Why is he all alone? He’s going to get hurt. Someone is going to take advantage of him. Is he safe? After I blotted my eyes and quickly attempted to keep my mascara from staining my cheeks, I began to see it from another point of view: Wow, look at him out there on his own. Maybe he’s walking to work. He’s capable.
Obstacles.
Walking to the stalls, my eyes fell on lovely Ophelia. Shelley affectionately spoke a term of endearment in French under her breath, and it reminded me of how I can’t help but to express my love and adoration for my Autumn. It doesn’t matter who’s watching – who hears – love knows no coyness nor shame. Today’s exercise will be leading Ophelia around the pen and walking her over the “obstacle” that we will envision as our personal hurdle de jour. Walking a horse – doesn’t sound too difficult, but as we learned, you can’t always necessarily lead a horse – to water or even around a pen – if she doesn’t sense your leadership. Horses, like dogs, are pack animals and look toward a leader to make them feel safe. If they don’t deem you worth leading, they won’t follow. My deteriorating confidence over the past several years left me to wonder if she would follow, and even more dauntingly, if I could lead.
Our first round went smoothly. My face to her shoulder, her head high, we walked together. Once around the pen, with the occasional waver that automatically ignited my uncertainty… what was Ophelia thinking? Was she unsure of my leadership? Was she distracted by the sprouts of yummy grass that she kept hungrily eye-balling? By choosing to stop, was she leading me? Shelley and Julianna diligently observed as we made our laps. And then, from the second lap to the last, Ophelia lowered her valiant head in line with my hips, and we made our way – around the pen, over the envy stick, and beyond (with one or two grass-snack pit stops). In fact, during one imposed pause attempt, I whispered to Ophelia, “Listen…if you walk with me over that hurdle, you can eat the grass on the other side, deal? Let’s go.” I lead, she followed – over the wooden target and to a tiny sprout of grass on the other side, where she lowered her head for a nibble. I couldn’t believe it! I was so happy that I jumped up and down and gave her a big hug. She turned her head to mine, looked right at me, and I kissed her enormous cheek. We were in tuned, and I couldn’t be happier. Even with noisy motorcycles whizzing by and people crassly yelling from convertibles, we stayed on course undistracted. None of that mattered. We were in a moment – focused on each other and our connection.
It was at that moment that I realized the true obstacle that seemed to rise from the depths to the surface. It was insecurity, and envy was its toxic companion. So there Ophelia and I stood – both seeking confidence and security – and both overcoming our hurdles. I felt exhilarated to have her faith and trust, and she felt secure that there were no predators for her to fear here. She sensed the confidence I doubted in myself, and she herself felt assured that I would keep her safe from harm. And for the first time in a long time, I felt like I was the one to be envied. Look at how organically I’m bonding and building a trusting relationship with this animal that by nature is apprehensive and guarded.
Both Shelley and Julianna were so excited for me. They watched it all play out and didn’t miss a trick. They expressed that my body language was confident and strong. They could tell from Ophelia’s posture that she was relaxed and following me of her own volition. They also reassured me that taking control and leading a 2,000 pound animal around was not to be taken lightly – an achievement to be proud of. It made me wonder…if I could take control of a mighty beast, then perhaps I could take control of my life…or at least my emotions.
I feel so thankful to Ophelia. I feared my confidence was gone forever, but she showed me that it had actually been there the entire time – it was just hidden behind obstacles.
The language of nature is awesome and magical. It is a truly an awe-inspiring experience to learn how far we can go if we can overcome obstacles and to discover how much we can hear….if only we take a moment to listen.
Forever Autumn 